The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Do
It's been a little more than a year now. Thinking about it still brings tears to my eyes. I swore I would never do it. Even though I hadn't really verbalized that to anyone in particular, I just knew deep in my heart I could never, ever do it. But sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes life becomes so painful that the hardest thing becomes the only thing. And so it happened.
On March 9, 2010, we admitted Josiah to a residential treatment center an hour away from home. My little boy was only 8 years old. He didn't quite understand. He had no choice in the matter. All he knew was that his parents, the people who cared for his every need and loved him the most were dropping him off at a strange place and driving away without him.
He must have been so scared. He must have been so confused. He must have been so sad. But he was helpless. He couldn't tell us how he felt. He has no words. And so we drove off and left Josiah, trusting that he would be well cared for. Hoping that he would somehow understand this was for the best. What a terrible thing for a mother to have to do to her child.
Even though it's over now and we have Josiah back home, I don't think I'll ever get over the saddness and guilt I felt for not being a better mother to my son. If only I had tried harder, it may never have gotten so bad. I'll always feel it was my fault that Josiah had to be separated from his family. I let my little guy down somehow. I should have been stronger. I should have worked harder. I should have read more books to understand him better, to provide more help to him. But I didn't. There were too many months with too little sleep and too much stress. I was exhausted. I needed a break.
They told us once Josiah was admitted it would be best if we tried not to visit for 2 weeks. He needed time to adjust to his new environment and we needed time to adjust to life without him. So, Rick and I left the country. It was the ONLY way to ensure I would not drive back up there to rescue my son. If I had to leave him there, then I needed to be so far away that it would be impossible for me to change my mind. And so we went to the Dominican Republic.
A wonderful, precious friend flew down from Ohio with her daughter and stayed with and spoiled our other 4 children the week we were away. She will never know just how much of a blessing that was. Such a priceless gift. Rick and I had time to heal. Time to reconnect again. Time to relax. Time to sleep. Time to forget for a bit what our lives are really like. Time to be 'normal' if only for a little while.
Leaving Josiah was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's only by the Grace of God that I made it through.
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