Josiah's Journey

I'm just curious. What do you do when you are out in public and witness a child with a disability having a difficult time? Do you turn away? Do you stop and stare? Do you offer to help? Do you criticize? Do you complain? Do you pass judgment?

Before I had children, I knew all about how to be the perfect parent. I had a double major in Early Childhood and Elementary Education. I even had some classes in Special Education. I was an expert. I used to call my older sister on the phone and give her advice on how to parent her children. I'm sure she loved that. There's nothing like taking advice from someone who has never walked in your shoes and doesn't have a clue about what they are talking about.

She just used to listen. I'm sure she laughed. I'm sure she just couldn't wait for the day when I'd have children of my own. I was definitely one of those people that would observe other people's children out in public and wonder why they weren't better behaved. I always knew it would be different when I had children.

When I was in college I worked in a large clothing store in the mall. Many times kids would be left unattended while their moms shopped a few feet away. I used to watch those kids. I used to glare at them as they snuck in and out of the clothes racks or ran around the store. I thought it was my place to correct them. I thought it was my place to make sure the mother's heard me redirect their children. I really thought I was helping those parents to see the folly of their ways and to become better, more caring, concerned mothers. Who was I kidding?

I remember always feeling very awkward and uncomfortable around people with disabilities. Mostly it was when I was younger. I didn't know what to do. Sometimes I just stared. Sometimes I laughed. I know that sounds horrible, but I did. I never once imagined what it must have been like to be the child with a disability much less the parent of the child.

It's quite different now. I'm very much aware of the 'scene' we often times make in public. I'm very aware that people stare at us when Josiah screams. I don't really mind much. I'm used to it by now. I've gotten to the point where it doesn't even phase me. I tune everything and everyone else out while I focus on how to best help my son.

Yesterday I was at my general practitioners office. She asked about Josiah. She asked how it is when we are out in public and he screams. She asked how people react. What I found interesting is what she said next. She said she always goes out of her way whenever she sees a child with a disability to stop and talk to the child. She bends down and speaks directly to the child. Sometimes she asks about the wheelchair if they happen to have one. Sometimes the child is non verbal so the mom answers for the child. But she always makes a point to notice the child and acknowledge him.

My doctor mentioned that as a physician it's something she is very comfortable doing, but she wonders how many others feel that way. I don't think many people do. I'm going to start noticing more carefully now. I think people typically just look away. When Josiah is in melt-down mode, most people just ignore us. But I'm also thinking about those times when he is calmly walking, holding my hand as we go through the stores. What do most people do?

Children tend to stare. Even very young children notice there is something different about Josiah. But older children usually glance and then quickly look away. Adults sometimes smile at me. But if I'm remembering correctly, most everyone just ignores Josiah.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm just so involved in getting done what needs to get done that I really haven't evaluated this correctly. It would be very sad to think that when people see a child with a disability they over look him.

Here's what I would hope happens. I would hope if the situation allows that people would smile in his direction. I would hope they would make a comment to him just as they would to a typically developing child they may happen to be standing next to in line. I would hope they would treat him just like they would any other child.

Josiah usually rides the bus to school. Yesterday though, I drove him in the van. Once we got to school, he refused to get out and walk. He wanted me to carry him. I just stood there. He began to scream and threw himself down on the ground in the parking lot. A very nice father walked by, saw my struggle with Josiah and offered to help. He carried the large box I was dropping so I could use both hands to pull Josiah to a standing position. I grabbed Josiah’s hand and attempted to get him to grab hold of his backpack to pull it. The kind stranger made it into the school and back out before Josiah and I had even walked 3 feet. Again he offered to help. This time he took Josiah's backpack from me and rolled it into the school as I continued to encourage Josiah to walk. What a nice gesture.

It made me stop and think. I really can't remember too many times anyone else other than family has ever offered to help when I have had difficulty with Josiah in public. Actually, even family doesn't always offer to help. It's embarrassing for them to be in close proximity to Josiah when he's screaming. Mostly, they just get frustrated and I am left to deal with him. And them.

I'm not really sure what the answer is. I'm just curious what most people do. I do know that I was very appreciative of that kind father yesterday. He made what could have been a very frustrating situation much less so. He went out of his way which really wasn't that much out of his way to help a stranger, to help a mom struggling with her sometimes difficult child.

I hope I will do the same. Next time I see someone struggling with a difficult child, I will step out of my comfort zone and offer to help. It may not always be well received. But it sure doesn't hurt to try.

What will you do?